“Open Wounds Only Make You Stronger…” - RIP Victor Pontes-Macedo (MC Exposition)

I’ve been battling myself for the last 48 hours, trying to decide which would be the best way to express what I’m experiencing as a result of Victor’s passing. A intense mixture of sadness, confusion, regret, love, anger and calm has taken over my mind and spirit.

Victor was my friend and someone that I loved deeply and sincerely.

Those whom are closest to me know just how important he was / is to me and what role he played in my life. When he first called to inform me that he would returning home for a few months and explained his situation, my heart broke for him and his family, but I was looking forward to spending some time with my friend and supporting him through his upcoming battle.

As the days, weeks and months passed, Victor and I talked often at late hours, by phone. He expressed his thoughts, hopes, feelings and fears. And I listened, wishing that there was something I could do or say to ease what he was experiencing. As someone who loved him (very similarly to others, I’m sure*) I truly felt helpless, as there was really nothing I could do other than being supportive and strong. Unfortunately, strength was something I lacked in this situation and I felt distance grow between Victor and I, as I just couldn’t bare the idea of him eventually not being here. Although I continued to speak with him on the phone and through text, I did not see him any more after his benefit event in Boston and limited my access to him via certain things (ie Facebook*) that would force me to face the reality of what was rapidly taking place . In retrospect I realize that this was selfish, but at the time I saw it simply as protection of my heart.

I spent my time listening to cd mixes inspired by our friendship, looking at old photos, reading past emails and recalling the fun memories that we had, such as my first trip to California to visit him in 2008, my trip to SXSW in 2010 where I was blessed to see him and his band mates (Audible Mainframe) tearing it up (Boston to Austin*) and all the things, moments, love and situations that we had shared in between.

Although Victor had informed me early on of the seriousness of his condition, I foolishly allowed time to get away from me and from us, assuming that I would have a chance to see him, hold him, talk with him and laugh with him again. When I received news of his passing, I literally broke down. My heart is still crumbling as I write this because I know so many others are experiencing this very same feeling.

I find some solace in knowing that Victor is no longer struggling, suffering or in pain. I am also comforted by the fact that through his experiences with others and through the overall impact that he made via his energy and his music, Victor will be remembered and spiritually kept alive long after we ourselves have passed.

I hope that in the coming days, weeks, months and years each of us who loved him will only grow to love him more intensely, as it becomes easier to remember all that was positive and not be weighed down by what feels so painful at this very moment. I also hope that this will encourage each of us to appreciate and love one another, and to never take time for granted, as it is one thing we can never get back once it escapes us.

This is a difficult, painful time but as Victor said, “Open wounds only make you stronger and when they heal over they will hurt no longer.”

It may take some time, but we’ll all be stronger as a result of knowing, loving and experiencing Victor.

I love you, Victor and I’m confident that you knew this.

- Marlizzle <3