…is defined by your spirit, not simply by your age. #remember #foreveryoung
dreams never die.
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“At the temple there is a poem called “Loss” carved into the stone. It has three words, but the poet has scratched them out. You cannot read loss, only feel it.” — Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha
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Victor Pontes-Macedo (MC Exposition) Son. Brother. Cousin. Nephew. Artist. Friend. Lover. Teacher. Poet. Visionary. Inspiration <3
You will be eternally missed.
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Don’t think I’ve *ever* posted a picture of myself on tumblr… first time for everything :)
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The older I become in age, the broader my understanding becomes. Even during the most difficult of moments, I search for lessons and connections that can help me grow.
Now, as I mourn the loss of my dear friend, Victor, I also am reminded of the moments we shared and even if just for the length of that thought, I am comforted.
As I attempted to prepare myself for the days following his passing, a specific memory came to mind. I thought of the last hours of my first trip to California, which was my first trip to Long Beach to visit Victor. On his computer desk there was a small container of change. Before I left for the airport, I removed a penny from the container, placing it in my pocket and took another penny from bag, leaving it on the desk with a note that read “Take a penny, leave a penny”. Those who are familiar with Victor know that this was the title of his second LP, but the significance of the title branched out into Victor’s life and it’s meaning was felt in my life as well.
As the years went on, I kept careful watch over this penny that I had taken and as my friendship, love for and connection to Victor grew, so did the sentimental value of this coin. On the day of Victor’s wake, I was anxious. Almost as anxious as I had been on that first flight to Long Beach. I knew that I would see him, but the reality of the situation is I simply wanted to embrace him. I thought of how I could do this now and how I could give back to him at that moment what he had given me over the years. I thought about what I could leave with him that would symbolize our connection, aside from tears. My penny came to mind, then I remembered that I’d misplaced it while moving into my current home. As silly as it may sound, my heart broke a little, but I did have in my possession a penny attached to a bookmark with a heart that had been carved in it’s center. I had this penny for over a decade and kept it with me through all my travels. It was this penny that I decided to leave with Victor at his service. As I waited to lay my eyes upon him one last time, I rubbed this penny in my hands and eventually placed it near his before exiting the room.
The following day, Victor was laid to rest. I attended the service and then the reception. There was so much love in that space, so many people all connected by this one beautiful person. So many conversations and laughter and tears, all in Victor’s memory. I was fully enjoying myself, but needed to step outside for a moment to retrieve something I’d left in a friends car parked a few blocks down from the reception hall. As I made my way back to the hall, I glanced at the sky and felt the sun’s warmth on my face. as I looked down, I caught a glimpse of a penny on the ground. Out of habit I looked closely at the penny to see if it was laying heads or tails up, then I thought to myself that maybe this was a symbol or a gift from Victor. I picked the penny up, rubbed it as I had the coin I’d left with him the evening before and placed it in my pocket.
It may seem like a coincidence to some, or a silly thought to others but for me, this is symbolic. I’d like to believe that Victor left something special for me and for each of us. Something that we can hold on to with our hands or our hearts. Something that will last forever. Something worth sharing.
- Marlene
I’ve been battling myself for the last 48 hours, trying to decide which would be the best way to express what I’m experiencing as a result of Victor’s passing. A intense mixture of sadness, confusion, regret, love, anger and calm has taken over my mind and spirit.
Victor was my friend and someone that I loved deeply and sincerely.
Those whom are closest to me know just how important he was / is to me and what role he played in my life. When he first called to inform me that he would returning home for a few months and explained his situation, my heart broke for him and his family, but I was looking forward to spending some time with my friend and supporting him through his upcoming battle.
As the days, weeks and months passed, Victor and I talked often at late hours, by phone. He expressed his thoughts, hopes, feelings and fears. And I listened, wishing that there was something I could do or say to ease what he was experiencing. As someone who loved him (very similarly to others, I’m sure*) I truly felt helpless, as there was really nothing I could do other than being supportive and strong. Unfortunately, strength was something I lacked in this situation and I felt distance grow between Victor and I, as I just couldn’t bare the idea of him eventually not being here. Although I continued to speak with him on the phone and through text, I did not see him any more after his benefit event in Boston and limited my access to him via certain things (ie Facebook*) that would force me to face the reality of what was rapidly taking place . In retrospect I realize that this was selfish, but at the time I saw it simply as protection of my heart.
I spent my time listening to cd mixes inspired by our friendship, looking at old photos, reading past emails and recalling the fun memories that we had, such as my first trip to California to visit him in 2008, my trip to SXSW in 2010 where I was blessed to see him and his band mates (Audible Mainframe) tearing it up (Boston to Austin*) and all the things, moments, love and situations that we had shared in between.
Although Victor had informed me early on of the seriousness of his condition, I foolishly allowed time to get away from me and from us, assuming that I would have a chance to see him, hold him, talk with him and laugh with him again. When I received news of his passing, I literally broke down. My heart is still crumbling as I write this because I know so many others are experiencing this very same feeling.
I find some solace in knowing that Victor is no longer struggling, suffering or in pain. I am also comforted by the fact that through his experiences with others and through the overall impact that he made via his energy and his music, Victor will be remembered and spiritually kept alive long after we ourselves have passed.
I hope that in the coming days, weeks, months and years each of us who loved him will only grow to love him more intensely, as it becomes easier to remember all that was positive and not be weighed down by what feels so painful at this very moment. I also hope that this will encourage each of us to appreciate and love one another, and to never take time for granted, as it is one thing we can never get back once it escapes us.
This is a difficult, painful time but as Victor said, “Open wounds only make you stronger and when they heal over they will hurt no longer.”
It may take some time, but we’ll all be stronger as a result of knowing, loving and experiencing Victor.
I love you, Victor and I’m confident that you knew this.
- Marlizzle <3